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I don't know what to do with myself. It's cold - it has been snowing in Victoria and the winds are icily cold, blowing right into Canberra.

I tried playing xbox, but ended up frustrated with the people I usually play with - half were idiots I try avoid, a couple had me muted (It's the accent and 5-year old voice) and the rest weren't playing well - camping, putting sentries in shit positions and so forth.

I was having trouble with my headset - Mocha was chewing the wires and pulling out my controller. He was banished for about half an hour, before I felt guilty and let him back in.

Poor little guy just doesn't understand that chasing everything that moves isn't always a good thing.

Poor, adorable little chap.

I like the IDEA of jogging, but it's too cold. I know jogging will warm me up, but... I am wrapped in my thick comforter, nice and snug. I have unlimited internet now, and I am attempting to milk it for all it is worth.

At the least, I need to do laundry... eugh.

I am going to be alone for nearly all of the day. I'm pretty glad about this.



I think I will jog in the afternoon, when it is warmer.

I ended up getting a multivitamin. It doesn't have the exact levels of what I will need in terms of B12, Ca and such, but it does have it, and it has binders that will make it easier to absorb. It's got good levels of Folic acid and Boitin, as well as iron.

I got the highest dose of calcium and B12 possible, within a multivitamin. I am going to try make a dietician appointment and see if I should buy separate calcium and B12, but these will work until I can get an appointment.



I made progress towards getting my license - booked a consultation as soon as an opening was available.



I went to a vegan store and found great food from the area in which I grew up - which is over a thousand kilometres away.

I was not impressed with the prices of their vegan cheese. I. Was. Not. Impressed. At. All.

They wanted $6 for 12 slices.

Are you kidding me? They were high in calories and literally four times the price of regular cheese.

I got a pack of 40 slices of lite cheese, the other day, for $5. Why in the name of fuck would I pay $6 for 12?



Jesus.



I finally managed to get proper jogging clothing. I am really, really happy. If I can, tomorrow I may buy some jogging/running shoes, and go for a jog.



This has made me so happy.

Popcorn for breakfast. Nutritious and... who am I kidding? It was very low-cal, so that's all that mattered. I popped a small bag of microwave stuff, which was salted and buttered, and it was only 115 calories.

I woke up with a roaring headache, and I don't know whether it was the salt from the popcorn (haven't had salt in... nearly 4 weeks?), the green tea I drank, or the hardcore painkillers, but my headache was nearly instantly beaten down when I had the popcorn (which was the first thing I ate/drank).



I am going to go to a vegan store today and see if they sell Ovega, which is vegan fish oil capsules. I also may try some vitamin B12, since I am not eating nearly enough to get the vitamin (I eat maybe 3 slices of cheese a week, and less than one child-pot of yoghurt a week - and no meat at all), and I have quite a few warning signs - easy bruising, lethargy, and a couple of others. I got tested for low iron count a few months ago, but they didn't test my B12 - so, I am going to try take it in a multivitamin or a plain B12 capsule - I know I also need vitamin C (haven't been eating or drinking juices, fruits of veg that are high in VC... bad, I know), and a few other bits and bobs - like calcium, which is something I really, really need, as I am on medication that reduces bone density.

And I am in the process of going back into veganism.



Aeugh. My moral and ethical views are really important to me, but if I can't find a vegan bunch of vitamins or supplements, I am going to take whatever I can get. I am not willing to die for my views on that. I'm not going to break my body in an attempt to make sure the vitamins and nutrients will be cruelty-free.

I think it's important to be practical about veganism - you can't change the world if you are dead or hospitalised.



I have lost over a stone in 3 weeks. I bought jeans a few months ago, and they were a bit too tight - now I am going to need to buy a belt - or a whole new pair of jeans.

I am going to attempt to get my license within the next week. I am going to have to get a car Learner license, which I need to hold for 6 months, before I can get a Provisional, which means I can drive without someone in the car - but I must have someone in the car who has a full license as a L-class car license holder.

HOWEVER - I don't plan on driving cars - even though when my six months of Learner time is up, I will upgrade to Provisional (it is just easier). I will be instantly getting a motorbike license when I get my first (L) license. I don't need anyone with me as a motorbike rider, whereas I do with a car.

Which is awesome.



I need to attend 3 days of classes to get both a car and motorbike L-class.

Woohooo.





I am HOPING I will have my request for a motorbike license approved by a company who has agreed to "pay for license acquisition" - because I can ride AS SOON AS I get the license, without anyone.

So, in terms of work practicality, where I will be starting at 6.30am, and I cannot get my housemate out of bed at that time just so I can drive for 15 minutes, a motorbike will be amazing.

Hopefully the company will see it like that, and approve my request/logic.

Also, motorbikes are just cheaper in so, so many ways. And they are environmentally better, with a lowered carbon emission.



And lets face it, they're hot.



If I can get an appointment with said company in the next two days, I will take the testing days on either Sat&Sun or Mon&Tues. Even if they refuse the motorbike component, I still need to get my car license... I will be very annoyed, however, because that means I need to shell out $300 that I don't have right now, to get my motorbike license.



I may be able to skip the motorbike training day, however, if my parents have some paperwork from my last compulsory motorbike training course... I'll see. I need to make phone calls, appointments and see about it all.





If I was 3 years older, I could skip all this crap, sit the test and just be given the licenses.

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Serenity
13:19 Mar 25 2015

a driver's license if a big freedom and opens a lot of more in the world, its a really good thing to have

Had mine for years and enjoying it every moment of it :)

Even had motorcycle one for a few years but here it cost about 1200$ for it per year to just get the plates for the motorcycle and we can only ride is like a few months per year, being the law on tires and of course the snow 8 months a year lol So I kind of let that one go, maybe I'll get it back , don't know, I am ok with cars I can go anywhere I want with it so its cool :) Plus my license allows me to use it as a photo id :p

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Owlish
14:47 Mar 25 2015

I loathe car driving. I would only use it out of sheer necessity, and get rid of it ASAP. Eugh.



Heck, I may just get it and ride a bicycle.

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About two weeks ago, I went down the rabbit hole.



Today I went through the small door.

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Oddity
20:16 Mar 22 2015

Girl, are you doing k?

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And upon checking, yoga is done 5 days a week, only 4 of which I could attend, so I'll be starting my temporary membership on Tuesday.



I hope it's good. I really hope they are decent classes, run by someone who knows what they're doing.

I want to take my swimming equipment with me so I can swim in the lake afterwards. Bonus - it's all only a block from where I have a meeting that day.

I went shopping today, for roughly 2.5 hours. I was looking forward to it, but it didn't really amuse me as much as I hoped. Probably something to do with the fire alarm screeching on 20 minutes after I arrived and half the stores closing for a couple of minutes while we waited for orders to evacuate or not.

Tends to put a damper on things.

I kind of got what I wanted - a thick cardigan, and it's beautiful, but I felt tired and worn-down. Possibly because I started the morning with a large caramel soy thickshake - all that sugar in my tiny bodeh, and then the sugar-crash. Probably.



When I got home, I talked to my boyfriend for a few hours, but was knackered. When he went to bed, however, I felt so lonely and restless that I ended up going to the enormous 3-story mall that is reasonably close to my house, and debating on how best to waste time. I was considering a movie, but ended up going to every and any store I fancied. I actually had a lot of fun. Night had fallen by the time I left, and I discovered that the buses have neon blue lights in them after nightfall. My white cardigan glowed and pulsated in the blue.

It was cool.

While in a supermarket I saw someone swishing a foam sword around. He then sat behind me on the bus, which made me laugh - out of all the buses, I caught the one that Peter Pan (that's why he got a sword - he is a Peter Pan fan) also caught. He asked me about my kitten food.





I'm tired but I don't want to sleep. Next week is gym time. I'm... pretty worried about this, because I haven't been able to get what I think I will need. Ah well. I shall just try out the yoga first, if possible.

Fear not the monster under the bed,

They're nicer than those in your head.



Today I got a physical journal. It's faux-wood, non-leather and lovely.

I feel like I can't say the things I am thinking, because I know how they sound - bad. I feel guilty, and proud. I am so viciously proud and I feel guilty for feeling proud, over such a thing.



"I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul"

I did so little today that I can't remember what I did. That's fabulous. Heh.

I've been feeling a bit out of control lately - in that things happen and I can't dictate my own choices, because they are made for me.

I really dislike the feeling. It reminds me of the refugees Australia's Government has illegally detained right now, which is a sadly humbling notion - my freedom is much, much greater than theirs.

There's a great number of protests coming up over the next few months, but I doubt it will do anything.

I'd still like to go, though.

Today is the first day in 4 days where I don't have to go anywhere. I'm so pleased. I am so happy that I don't have to move that I could cry. I literally feel like crying out of happiness. I have two whole days where I don't have to do a thing.

How amazing.

I did 4 weeks of intense class, from 9am to 3pm. I then (directly after the week of class) did a working week of 40 hours, from 7am to 3pm. I then went shopping Tuesday, had to hand in forms on Wednesday, and had two physically brutal days of class (the CPR left me with shaky legs and legitimate fear of feinting).



Now I am sitting on the lounge chair, full of hot chocolate, wrapped in a warm blanket and considering napping for a few hours before cooking myself lunch and watching movies.



I usually dislike lazy days like this, because I end up feeling restless and discontent. Today I am going to try milk this feeling of happiness as much as possible. I'm going to watch whatever I can find, nap between movies and programmes and be as warm as possible.





Speaking of warmth - while winter only really ended here in early November, it's early-mid March, and the cold is making a comeback.

I really need to start saving for winter coats, because yesterday I was so cold, had physically exerted myself while on a meagre diet, and felt like I was literally going to collapse from the combination of all.



Hopefully I can find a reasonably priced cardigan that is long and thick. I kind of don't want to buy many clothes at the moment, because I've lost (as of last night) a little over 9lbs in the last week. I have been walking everywhere and finding it hard to get decent food, but that is still a lot of loss, considering I haven't been properly exercising.

I think a cardigan will always look good, even if oversized. So... I don't know. I'll look online and price them up.

I am pleased to note that Canberra sells winter clothing all-year-round, considering that they only get 3 months (and with quite a few cold days in there) of summer. The rest, from April to October, is varying stages of cold.

June-September is, on average, in the negatives... every day.

All I have right now is a thin cardigan and a thin sweat shirt.

Eeeep.

It freaking snows here. Not in the specific part of the city that I live in (I am sure it has happened a few times, though), but about 20-30 minutes drive, and we've got fields of snow.

Eeeeep again.



I am considering taking advantage of "try our gym for one week - FREE!" deals. I then don't have any obligation to sign up, apparently, so I may... see how that works for me, and then decide whether it's financially viable and personally fitting for me to become a regular member. I mainly want the classes for yoga, so I'll see if they will let me try a yoga session free, before signing up for good. If they won't let me try yoga, I'll... probably find a new gym. I'm not paying for gym AND yoga - it had better be included and good enough to merit me paying for that.

I can't over-empathise the beauty of warm drinks/food. This last week I had... porridge. That's literally the only hot food I can think of that I ate. Otherwise it was pears and yoghurt.

I just had a large mug of hot chocolate. It was the most amazing thing. Unf. Hot. Food. And. Drinks.



I can't wait to have toast with cheese. I can't wait. Life is pretty fucking fabulous when you have hot food.

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sahahria
03:47 Mar 14 2015

Yes!!!!

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My early morning walk was good. It took me about an hour, but to be fair, I really dragged my feet in some sections. I reaaallllyyy walked as slowly as possible. This makes me happy, because I wasn't out of breath or sore, and it means it'd take me about 40 minutes to walk at a steady, even pace. Go me. If I were to jog it, at my current slow, steady jogging pace, it would probably take about... 30 minutes (not much of a difference), which is still worth the effort.



I again had a headache, and given my irritability, dislike of light, cold feeling, throbbing, non-stop pain and sleepiness, I'm sure it turned into a migraine, which I dealt with through 7.5 hours of class. I was so happy to have a painkiller. It was... lovely. Just lovely.



I have spent the last few hours planning meals and juggling numbers. It was actually fun. Quite a lot of fun. I am really pleased, because I have worked in foods that I like, and are healthy and nutritious.

Yay.

I am happy with the current plans. They contain whole-wheat bread, cheese and yoghurt, vegetables and fruit, thick soups and rich, delicious vegan meat-substitutes. I know I will have to add in more when/if I succumb to the allure of a gym membership, but for now, it works for me.



I feel good - my headache is gone, I am fairly sleepy, and I have planned meals, something I almost always enjoy. I napped earlier, and will sleep again in half an hour.

Things are sweet. Tomorrow is my last day of classes, theoretically.

As soon as I get my certificate, I am enrolling into Uni. Oh yeah.

I've been a bit fastidious over the last few days, headaches and exhaustion, much fun. Since I've been so picky, and felt so iffy, and due to a lack of Septims... I'm not ashamed to admit that I have been putting the nutritional needs of my kitten well above myself.

Since Sun-Monday (can't remember the exact day), I've lost (according to google measurement conversion) 7.7lbs. In 4 days. I have also (due to, again, limited Septims - I can't get no horse-and-cart to Windhelm) been walking nearly everywhere. For the last 3 days I have walked a total of about... 7 or 8 miles? Give or take.

It's not a great distance - until you factor in the exhaustion and headache.



I want a slice of toast with a slice of processed cheese, grilled. Yum.

I think it's working. Hah. I ate a pear and a half just now and feel STUFFED.

I am looking forward to my walk... kind of. It's time to go and I am putting it off.

I am trying to redirect my thoughts, to distract myself and comfort, since the last few days have been busy and long. I need to relax.

As I said yesterday, tomorrow will be better, and so far, it has been. I have books to read to keep myself preoccupied, and tomorrow and Friday, I have two intensive days of class. These two should be the last.



I have next to no energy.

I will be walking a few miles to class tomorrow. I am looking forward to the walks. I've been walking quiiiite a distance lately - yesterday I walked for a couple of hours, for a few miles, because I got lost. I also got sunburned. Ugh.



No-calorie faux coca cola is actually... good. Really good. I don't like coca cola, unless it's watered the hell down, and not as bubbly or fizzy. That's pretty much what this generic brand 0-sugar cola tastes like - not as fizzy, watered down.

It's good. It's bubbly, but not overly. It's perfect.

Christ. Ugh. I know that tomorrow will be better. It'll be okay. It'll be fine. It'll be okay.



I have realised that I wouldn't be feeling like this if I had gone to bed earlier; I was watching Precious for the first time. I missed the first 40 minutes, but watched the later half. That is a brutal movie. A brutal movie.



Tomorrow I am going to... make a phone call, walk into the city and hand in my final paperwork for my certification (and tweak) and... I don't know. I'll possibly... I don't know. It depends on how my phone call goes as to what I will do afterwards.

Sigh.

I am tired and irritable, but I don't actually feel sleepy.

I really want a wholemeal, wholegrain sandwich. I want... kewpie Japanese mayo and seasoned avocado (lavishly slathered on), each on different slices of the bread - like butter, as I don't eat butter on sandwiches - I have vegan Nutlex on toast or sandwiches that are jam or vegemite - never any other time.

In the filling, I want...

Alfalfa sprouts, beetroot, a slice of Bega lite processed cheese, red Spanish onion, Romaine lettuce, grated carrot, a generous squirt of wholegrain mustard (not wholemeal, I want the wholegrain seeds, they're delicious) OR horseraddish cream, cucumber, bread pickles, capsicum/red bell peppers and... possibly a cooked, crumbled falafel. I'd also settle for a fucking amazing Fry's Smoked Vegan hotdog sausage instead of a falafel - cut lengthways, thinly.



That would be fucking amazing right now.

That's my ideal of perfect food, at the moment. I would eat it with a side of cocktail onions, gherkins and cheddar cheese cubes (real English cheddar, not the over-processed crap), and some mini whole beetroots.







When I am working, I will make that happen.





I used to love grilled cheese and thinly sliced leftover, cold sausages as a sammich - I hope I can do this with vegetarian sausages, if I find a good brand. Sanitarium were gross. So, so gross. I also hated their salami. I want to try Fry's faux-bacon... I could make vegan bacon and sausage hotdogs...



Fuck, I want food, but it's too late to cook anything.

That's a partial lie - there's other reasons I don't want food - I feel ill right now, and have a persistent headache for the last few hours.

I am going to enjoy my breakfast tomorrow, that is for sure.





I am looking forward to work in terms of food - purely. Seriously. I can't wait to be able to buy whatever I want, and to be able to buy more food for Mocha.

I will be able to afford to buy snacks. That's a huge deal for me. S n a c k s. Legit snacks. Wow.

I want popcorn, which I can portion off into snacky sizes. I want... granola bars, portions of frozen fruit, in little containers, and little containers of cereals (Nutrigrain, Frootloops, crunchynut cornflakes, cheerios...), and little single tubs of yoghurt, dried fruits (and like... those little apricot squares covered in sugar), dried berries covered in dried chocolate and yoghurt (like sultanas, raisins and cranberries covered in chocolate), portions of salted cashews and salted peanuts, dates, fresh fruits, crackers (cheese grits, 'country cheese', baked, flavoured crackers and rice crackers, plus plain graham crackers)...



Christ, I am so hungry.

I'm gently coasting towards familiar waters, this time in a steady ship, calm waters and clear skies.

I did this two years ago, one stormy, turbulent night, in the midst of a raging storm.



It feels nicer to be leaning back towards ethical eating with a clear mind, one untainted by the paranoia of mental illness.